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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 29, 2017 11:35pm-12:34am EST

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speaking of which, why is a portrait of me hanging behind a ceremony honoring native americans? again, my nickname was "indian killer," not "indian tickler," not "indian honorer," "indian killer." literally, any other portrait would be less insulting to native americans -- the mascot for the cleveland indians, the lando lakes butter lady, the guy who dressed up like an indian who criedly in the commercial. johnny depp as tonto, anything. but trump is the president so to show my respect for navajo code talkers. i will speak in code. let them crack that one. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." plus, stephen
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justin timberlake and san juan carmen yulin cruz featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! what's up, everybody? thank you, please, sit down, everybody. too kind. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert, i am one of the few money still allowed on television because today matt lauer was is let go from nbc's morning show, the "today' show, this morning, today. according to the chairman of nbc news, lauer was fired due to "inappropriate sexual vi
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not to be confused with "appropriate" sexual behavior in the workplace. because that does not exist. ( laughter ) we should have seen that lauer had a strange obsession with women. i mean, just look at any of his actual halloween costumes. dolly parton, "baywatch" babe, paris hilton, and lucy from peanuts. good grief. after looking at those photos, i think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself. but he wasn't, because we have some details, and they are not great. turns out, lauer once gave a colleague a sex toy as a present. it included an explicit note about how he wanted to use it on her. it's bad enough that he gave her a sex toy, but he also gave instructions? he found a way to mansplain sexual harassment! ( laughter ) "you're doing that wrong! let me get in there."
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( laughter ) "this is why you like what i'm doing." ( laughter ) and it doesn't stop there. on another day, he summoned a different female employee to his office and then dropped his pants, showing her his penis. after the employee declined to do anything, visibly shaken, he reprimanded her for not engaging in a sexual act. i'm going to say what that woman honestly could not at the moment "what a dick." ( cheers and applause ) we don't have to blur that, do we? we don't have to blur that. we don't have to blur that. this morning, hoda kotb and savannah guthrie had to announce lauer's departure on the "today" show, which must have been awkward for them, and even more awkward for the fans outside the window. wooo! go hawks! where's matt? why's everybody so sad in there? karen, will you marry me?" karen, look at my
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( laughter ) it was the theme. it was the theme of the morning. while the news about lauer is shocking, there were some hints, like this 2012 interview between katie couric and andy cohen.
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( cheers and applause ) back to trumps tweet: "wow, matt lauer just fired from nbc for 'inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.' but when will the top executives at nbc and comcast be fired for putting out so much fake news." by "fake news" do you mean, "more than a dozen women have accused trump of improper conduct or sexual assault." ( cheers and applause ) is that what you mean by "fake news?" listen up! you don't get to comment! that is the pot calling the kettle at 3:00 a.m. and asking what she's wearing. plus, remember the whole billy bush bus thing? turns out, in private, trump's told multiple people that it may not have been him on the tape
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and "we don't think that was my voice." quick tip: if you're going to say something that's already crazy, don't refer to yourself as "we." "all the voices in our head tell us that's not our voice." what's that? yeah, they agree with me. ( cheers and applause ) what? quiet. they're so loud. they're so-- they repeat themselves, but, lord, they're loud." but you know what, let's take him at his word. he's the president of the united states. maybe it wasn't him
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either. >> i said it. i was wrong, and i apologize. >> stephen: admitting he was wrong and apologized in the same sentence. the only way it could have been more un-trump is if he said it while eating a vegetable. ( laughter ) not an onion ring. meanwhile, there's amazing news out of a different crumbling empire. because we just learned that prince harry got engaged! i'm aplutter. and who's the lucky bride-to-be, some third cousin from luxembourg with a prominent jaw? no, turns out it's actress meghan markle, known for her 2011 breakthrough role as ambitious paralegal rachel zane in the hit tv series "suits," but will be officially leaving after season seven, following her engagement news. see a couple of things from that. one, there's apparently a show called "suits"? i saw the ads, but i assumed usa network just got bought by mens wearhouse.
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and, two, it's been on for seven years! and meghan markle is a biracial, divorced american, which is great news for the gene pool of the royal family. they are a little inbred. most of them have to be put down with canine hip dysplasia. no it's sad. it's very sad. i agree. it's extremely sad. they're partly rotwieller. but, england, a word of warning: we had a cool biracial leader for a while, too. and i can tell you, you need to savor it because the next princess... is gonna suck. ( laughter ) ( applause ) suuuck. suck. here are the wedding details. in may, prince harry and meghan markle will marry at st. george's chapel, windsor castle. now traditionally it's at westminster abbey, but it was booked for a harryot
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we've got a great show for you tonight. justin timberlake is here. but when we return, i ponder life's biggest questions with life's biggest star. stick around. with advil, you'll ask what bad knee? what throbbing head? advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there. >> jon: hey! hey! hey!
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>> jon: what's you got over there. >> >> stephen: what do i have here over? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: what do i have in my hand? as long as you're asking. what i have is my book "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." check it out right there. you know, christmas is coming. christmas is coming, and everybody-- young children, your aged grandparents. >> jon: right, right. >> stephen: people of intermediate ages. >> jon: all ages. >> stephen: everybody want wanto shear in the confessions. >> jon: right. >> stephen: that i've got in the book right now. >> jon: so much fun. >> stephen: you have to cleanse your soul before the coming of jesus on christmas day. or if you don't believe in jesus, it doesn't matter, you have nothing to cleanse. i have some confessions you want to check out, i take salad bar sneeze guards as a personal challenge. i can still name all four of the teletubbies, and have done so in my will. >> jon: oh, wow. that's impressive. s
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you love. buy it for someone you love. >> jon: that's impressive. >> stephen: not my problem. listen, folks, i think you can tell from that and the conversations i have jon out here, just the basic vibe of the show, but i'm a pretty deep guy, which is why sometimes i have to ask life's big questions, like why am i here? and what is the nature of existence? and, "new phone, who dis?" and sometimes i need to express these thoughts, thoughts that can only be understood by another very deep a-list celebrity. so it's time for yet another "big questions with even bigger stars." ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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there must be, like, 20 of them. >> maybe even 30. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers )
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wearing cool suits. >> stephen: that is a cool suit. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: hey, justin? >> yeah, stephen? >> stephen: if the universe is infinite, what's beyond? >> everything other than "bed" and "bath." ( laughter ) ( applause )
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i was born to cry and poop ( laughter ) singing came later. then dancing, then acting, then voice acting-- which is a totally different talent--
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>> stephen: can i ask you really, like, really personal question? >> sure, why not. i feel really close to you right now. ( cheers ) when you brought the sexy back, where had it gone?
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i mean, if you listen, if you listen closely, it's all in the lyrics. ( laughter )
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been on before. thank you for being here. >> i'm so happy to-- ( cheers and applause )
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little like i don't want to make judgment on him. yet. ( laughter ) but --
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singing in the church, right? >> i did. >> stephen: now, is that a good place to start because god will love you, even if you miss the notes? >> it's the only place-- for all you aspiring singers out there, it's the only place to start, best place to start. >> stephen: sure. do you have a favorite hymn or anything? >> "old rugged cross" is a good one. >> stephen: sure. >> the national anthem, the worst place. >> stephen: what, the worst place to sing is the national anthem? it's a tough song. >> it's-- it's very high expectation. >> stephen: hell of a range. >> and so that's your-- that's your -- >> stephen: i know the harmony of the national anthem. do you want to lay it down real quick? i know the bass. if you want to do the whole thing ♪ oooh do you want to try it ♪ oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light ♪ what so proudly we hailed
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at the twilight's last gleaming ♪ whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪ >> what is happening right now! ( cheers and applause ).
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>> stephen: super bowl. you're going to be the halftime show at the super bowl. congratulations, that's really exciting. third time, right? >> yes. >> stephen: third time. pretty exciting. now, i remember the last time you did it, kind of remember a few things about that. ( laughter ) any big-- any big plans? you need... i'm available. you want to come out there and be a dance partner, or anything like that. ( laughter )
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break. don't go nowhere. neither do you. we'll be right back with more justin timberlake. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) i saw the change in rich when we moved into the new house. but having his parents over was enlightening. ♪ you don't like my lasagna? no, it's good. -hmm. -oh. huh. [ both laugh ] here, blow. blow on it. you see it, right? is there a draft in here? i'm telling you, it's so easy to get home insurance on progressive.com. progressive can't save you from becoming your parents. but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto.
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( applause ).
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>> stephen: the lifeguard, right there. >> i-- i-- i want to be clear-- i will not be wearing that at the super bowl. ( laughter )
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and that you would sing, she could hear you singing and peeing in the morning. how loud do you pee, justin timberlake? >> the latter half of that story is very true. >> stephen: you didn't sing. >> i wasn't, like, serenading kate winslet. it was, like, she's very intimidating. >> stephen: oh, is she really? >> yeah. she's, like a tornado of a person. in the best way possible. she was kind of -- >> stephen: oh, those good tornadoes. >> yeah, the good tornadoes. >> stephen: "wow, your town is totally gone, but in a great way." ( laughter ).
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behalf of the actors, she was kind of like-- like if he was the pilot, she was the flight attendant, and if there's a ton of turb lance, she's just constantly like, "you'll be fine." like, you know -- >> stephen: oh, oh,. >> for me, i'm a nervous flier. >> stephen: me, too, oh, yeah. >> and if there's turbulence, i immediately look at the flight attendant, and if they're make a face like... ( laughter ) i'm like... you're supposed to-- no! no!
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open and he does this, "i don't know. i don't know." ( laughter ).
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( laughter ) i don't know why why she's always-- ♪ ♪ yeah.
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and i'm like, "pretty good flow, right?" ( laughter ) ( applause )
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extravagant. you can't afford this. >> that's my business! >> and even if you could, it's much too extravagant, given-- >> given what? >> it's too much to spend to me. you shouldn't be getting me jewelry? >> why not? is it too meaningful? >> you inscribed it. ( cheers and applause ).
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tary for over 75 years. you ok back there, buddy? all smartphones are more or less the same, right? but this is the moto z. hello moto. can your phone turn into a projector? because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. and they might be bragging about portrait mode. but can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera? it's time to reinvent your smartphone. it's time to move on. moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. available at all major carriers.
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♪ ♪
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...don't know if you can hear chaos me, here! can we get a shot of this cold front, right here. [vo] progress is an unstoppable force. brace yourself for the season of audi sales event. before we start, i just want to say if anyone still doesn't have fios, please stay out of the way so your lag doesn't get us all killed, ben.
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uh. what's so great about a 100% fiber-optic network that makes your gaming system actually work awesomely? hey. did you take out the trash? haha, garbage boy! dad, i already took out ben. it's not funny. gaming is best on a 100% fiber-optic network. so get fios. now, just $79.99 per month with a 2-year price guarantee, with a 2-year agreement. ( applause )
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my next guest has been an outspoken advocate for puerto rico's recovery over the last two months. please welcome the mayor of san juan, carmen yulin cruz. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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generation. you have to understand, generation is not that people have power. because all the power in the island gets generate from the southern part. and then it just gets sent around through mountains. >> stephen: so what percentage doesn't have power right now? >> well, about 50% of the population still doesn't have power. and the ones that do have, it's very unstable. we have had two blackouts in the past three weeks, total blackout on the entire island, which is 100 miles long by 30 miles wide. you could be operating in an operating room and all of a sudden, you end up with a light and your cell as a phone. our children are going to school only four hours a day because there's not electricity. and a lot of people, especially the elderly that live in buildings, i say they've become human cages because they cannot have the water pumped up. in the middle of -- >> stephen: is there fresh water? >> well, about 9
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but we're still under a health advisory, so you either have to filter the water or you have to boil the water, but, of course, you can't boil the water because you don't have any electricity. so it's-- it's a touch-and-go situation still. and this new "tax" reform is not going to help us, either, because it puts a 20% excise tax on all of the imports that come from puerto rico into the united states. >> stephen: but, wait, so there's a 20%-- >> 20% increase income tax from all of the imports that will come from puerto rico into the united states. >> stephen: but puerto rico is the united states. >> well, you know, we are a territory of the united states. >> stephen: but you're citizens? >> yes, sir, since 1917. and i mean, maybe this is not the place to say it, but president trump has not been up to the standards that this country deserves. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: this is a shot-- this is a shot of you in the floodwaters. >> that was water with human excrement. >> stephen: if it. down in-- is this in san juan. >> in san juan, a place called ocean park. >> stephen: and at this time and since then-- especially since this timeue were crying out for help saying the people in san juan in puerto rico were dying and you needed more help. and you got this response from the president, "mayor of san juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the democrats that you must be newscast tow trump." and here is-- this was your-- >> that was my reply. >> stephen: this was your reply. ( cheers and applause ) >> but-- i have-- i have something for you, if i may. just a little reply with a
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with a little puerto rican twist in it. this is just for you. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: thank you. are these available, or, like-- >> we-- we started-- that's the first one we made. we started a foundation because, you know, there's a big difference-- and, again, i don't mean to be harsh, but there's a stark contrast between the american people and their huge heart and you have poured yourself out in support to us, and how you often ask-- you've done it on your show so many times. and those that can see you-- because, you know, they have electricity-- are really cognizant of the fact that you have been one of those voices that has never forgotten us, and for that i want to be very greatful to you and thank you for that. >> stephen: thank you for what you're doing. thank you very much. >> we started this foundation, the foundation is called "somebody help us.
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somebodyhelpus.org. you can send there if you want. i got $20 bills from people in texas. and the american people have such big heart, and the contrast with the american president that has such a big mouth. ( applause )
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somebodyhelpus.org, and make a small contribution. doesn't matter. you people, again, i have to thank you, because you have never left us alone, and i hopi never forget us because we have a long road ahead of us, but-- can you say "damn it" on tv? >> stephen: sure. >> so, damn it, we're going to make it. ( applause ).
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late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be the great kate winslet, now stick around for james corden and his guests armie hammer and juno temple. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way

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